Polegadas

Maria foi uma boa esposa durante uma das quatro estações do ano. Casou-se com Alfredo apesar do nome em desuso. Ela imaginava como foi a adolescência de um garoto chamado Alfredo e ele elucubrava como teria sido a infância dela sem pai. Cada um nos seus pensamentos particulares, porque eram ofensivos demais para servir à mesa. Maria não andava bem e esquecia a tampa do vaso levantada. Maria dormia com a boca aberta e roncava, mas Alfredo achava aquilo fofo. Fofo, mas insuportável, por isso ele a cutucava com o cotovelo. Casaram-se no outono, quando as folhas caíam. O caminho era poético, na antessala do renascer florido. No inverno, Maria não aguentava. Suspeitava do marido e roía as unhas que já eram curtas. Feria as cutículas e então tomava vinho. Alfredo a encontrava bêbada, desacordada, reclamando do vizinho. Ela sequer conhecia o vizinho. Moravam distante da família e não havia corrida para colo nenhum que resolvesse. Eram os dois, um para o outro, não importa o que acontecesse. Alfredo a amava e o amor é aquilo que o aquecedor faz nas noites mais frias, mesmo que o motor, toda a engenhoca que faz a coisa ficar quente, permaneça no lado de fora da casa sob um rigoroso frio. Maria era doce, uma menina, tinha os pezinhos tortos e os dedos compridos. Nasceu para ser menino, mas Deus quis diferente. Ainda bem, porque Maria era linda com cabelos que pareciam fios de linho. Alfredo se sentia completo, mesmo com as neuroses de Maria. Neuroses são essenciais ao negócio humano, dizem os psicanalistas. Opiniões, como cachos de banana, crescendo a torto e a direito como se o mundo fosse adubado por inteiro. Maria passou a suspeitar que Alfredo estava tendo um caso com alguém do escritório. Ele era funcionário público, batedor de carimbo, um daqueles de futuro, mas com todo o tédio do mundo. Saía cedo e levava a comidinha que seu amor preparava, mas então, com o diabo a lhe sussurrar diabruras, Maria parou. Simplesmente parou e escolheu a TV. O marido notou e reclamou, mas Maria alegou tontura. Disse que o alho queimava as mãos, que não suportava mais o cheiro de fritura. Alfredo, resignado, saía de mãos vazias. Trabalhava feito um condenado para que o dinheiro rendesse uma casa própria. Maria assistia ao televisor com a mente suspensa. A televisão não exige pré-requisitos, não exige sequer inteligência, a televisão só necessita ser ligada e Maria sabia bem apertar o botão vermelho. Maria poderia trabalhar em uma usina nuclear para deflagrar o alarme de desastre. Oh, Maria. Em uma manhã, ela acordou e se sentou em frente ao aparelho. Desligado, era como um negro espelho. Assistia a uma programação idiota, típica de geração vazia. Assustou-se com o estampido de uma música trágica que comunicava o impossível. “Interrompemos a programação para um anúncio especial” disse o âncora. “Devido a forte nevasca, os bombeiros têm dificuldade em acessar o prédio central da administração pública onde um incêndio sem precedentes derrete as colunas seculares”. O mundo de Maria naufragava, mas havia um âncora. Ela levantou e, nervosa, só pensava em fogo, no Alfredo, nos cigarros que ela tanto gostava. Maria subiu as escadas e bateu na porta do quarto onde o marido dormia. Ele caíra doente e dormia em um quarto separado para poupar a esposa da tosse renitente. Bateu com o polegar, como se surrasse um pandeiro. Maria não batia bem. Não houve resposta. Desceu as escadas e grudou no telefone. Ligava insistentemente para o escritório onde o marido trabalhava. Ninguém atendia, deviam estar todos mortos com a fumaça, ou pior, queimados. Maria enfiava os dedos nos cabelos e não sabia o que fazer. Conferiu a garagem e se espantou, pois o carro dele continuava lá. Tornou a subir as escadas, a bater com o polegar direito na porta branca e a chamar por Alfredo, Alfredo. Oh, a constatação! Se Alfredo não estava ali nem no serviço, só poderia estar com a amante. Nem a

neve poderia esfriar sua espinha mais que aquele pensamento. Maria entreteve a ideia e não viu saída. Fugiu de casa, usando o carro do marido. Maria aprendera a dirigir recentemente, mas a ira a guiava. Foi a um bar e pediu bebida. Serviram. Bufava e tremia. Não demorou até que um sujeito se aproximasse e procurasse ouvi-la. Existem mais homens bondosos, nessas horas, do que há certezas nesta vida. Maria vomitava o carrossel de mágoas e o cara, com a cabeça, assentia. Maria não parava, falava mais do que devia. Aos poucos, mesmo o sujeito da malícia, o garçom e os outros homens que ali bebiam se afastaram. Mas era um bar velho, sujo, daqueles que têm buracos na parede. E em um desses buracos tinha quem a ouvia. Uma barata e um rato, imóveis como se paralisados pela estricnina. Maria notou e não se intimidou, discursou para a baixa prole dos seus desejos de patifaria. Bebeu e praguejou e se levantou bastante zonza. Ninguém ajudou, eles queriam que ela se fosse. Maria entrou no carro e deu a partida, mas não conseguia ver. Havia neve sobre o pára-brisa e ela então ativou o limpador. Aguardou que a brancura se dissipasse e julgou, a inocente, que via plenamente com capacidade de uma águia careca. O carro patinou no gelo liso mas Maria, embriagada, julgou que tudo ocorria bem, da mesma forma que saiu de casa. O automóvel replicava as pernas da esposa desastrada. Na casa, enquanto isso, Alfredo destrancou a porta e pisou na sala. Não havia barulho, não havia nada. Apenas a TV ligada e um noticiário mudo. Ele mirou o quintal branco e a beleza da invernada. Torceu para ver uma raposa, um veado, um feixe de Sol naquela manhã castigada. Fez café e deu falta de Maria, mas pensou que a amada estivesse no quarto lendo ou coisa que o valha. Alfredo, segurando uma caneca azul, sentou-se no sofá e aumentou o volume do televisor que mostrava imagens de um fogo imenso, mas que não conseguia distinguir onde se passava. Foi interrompido por um anúncio urgente dentro da programação urgente que retratava uma outra emergência. “Interrompemos a programação especial para outro anúncio especial”. Alfredo recostou-se para acompanhar. “Uma caminhonete, placa RDC-8240, chocou-se contra o prédio em chamas da administração pública. Os bombeiros informam que não há sobreviventes, embora não tenham certeza de quantas pessoas estavam no automóvel”. O prédio era onde ele trabalhava. A placa era a do carro dele. Aflito, Alfredo levantou-se num salto e derramou café quente. Ele pensava sobre aquilo e não sabia o que fazer. Ele queria saber se alguém estava no carro com Maria. Alfredo estremeceu. Polegadas de neve impediam a saída e ele arrefeceu. Aquele era um sábado, ele não entendia como o incêndio começou, por que tudo acabou em fogo e por que ela o trairia.

O hey o

Roy had a car accident this week. Or last week, I can’t remember. The days go on and I lose track of time. My head is okay, my lungs are okay, my heart is okay, even my spine is okay. My mind is not, it floats on different moods throughout its journey. Like a river, it feels going down with the current, often being pushed to the shore. One gotta master buoyancy in order to stay in the very middle of the river without fear of drowning. There are curves on the river length, there are fallen trees in the way, there are the most dangerous things too – shallow and murky waters. From time to time, a fish breaks out the surface and flexes its shining body before returning and disappearing into the vast realm. Those fishes are like ideas that visit my mind and ring the bell giving me a few seconds to open the door before all of that vanishes into the void of consciousness.

We were in Ohio two weeks ago, his homeland. Roy Dan, my best friend. I would never plan a trip to Ohio on my own but there goes my motivation to travel: friends. So, there I was in the midwest surrounded by corn crops and silos and gray skies and pale vegetation and amish people. How exciting it is to see people rolling around on their carriages, which they call buggies. No modern tools, just living life in a way they use their skills for the benefit of others. Amish in the average people’s language is called utopia. Pretty much like maturity for youngsters.

Even though Ohio State could have many arousing attractions, I was there to meet Mama Bear. The woman who brought to this world Raquel, Roy and Aaron. Her name is Joyce. Of course, she’s a joy. She laughs unconditionally. Good morning, Mama Bear – and you get an extended laughter back along the greeting. We were there to celebrate the winter solstice, so she took all of us on a hike. In cold times all that you see is ice and yellowish leaves. Mud steps, dark soil and birds chirping in the distance, gossiping about how pathetic humans are with their winter clothes. A school of deers showed up jumping. Joyce is a teacher and that is what she does, she teaches, she guides, she shows the way, she educates. I was happy to be in a family like theirs. There was no father around. A generation of men raised by women and fulfilled with the purest love. They were the lesson itself.

Joyce asked us to pick something from the trail. Everybody did. The sun was going down and we praised it as it must. That felt like a real purpose, you know? You can see the sun, you can see what it does to life and what kind of hope it brings. The sun is the materialization of God and you can derive your thinking as much as it pleases you. The sky had blue and gold and red and pink colors mixed. We stood on tiptoes to catch the very last glimpse of the reigning star. The sun light, the water, the fire, the air. Anything else is auxiliary.

We were on our way back to the car and I still didn’t have anything for myself. The abused mind wants to prove something and the search goes unnaturally. I thought about taking a bark piece from a tree. I would talk about my skin, my first layer of physical protection and how, even looking old and moldy, it still nurtures the whole plant. That was not how the game was designed, I was making up stuff, what a shame. Then, I saw it. Like a crown in the middle of long dry leaves. Every single thing in that field was taller than me and I had to open my way, like a forbidden love, in order to reach it.

Back home, Joyce had bought some fine steaks for our special night. Roy and I made the fireplace real. Everybody else was in the kitchen taking care of the salad and preparing the risotto and mixing meaningful thoughts. Holidays, as illnesses, bring the best to people’s hopes and words. We got together around the fire and everybody said, one by one, what their resolution was for the next year. It must be something that would help to heal the planet. I promised to pay attention to my consumption and this is it because I can’t fake being so worried about the environment. I just can not. At the same time, consumption is something that bothers me so, honestly, I will stick to that purpose. Kate will make her own detergent, Aaron will reinforce recycling, Quel wants to waste less. Roy, my dude, wants to take down the system and he needs someone to join him on pipeline sabotage. Oh yeah, he never disappoints. That is the kind of resolution nobody is expecting. After that, Joyce invited us to show our special findings from the hike. She had dried flowers and dried sticks combined to show the power of togetherness. What a thoughtful way to show us how deep and beyond time that gathering was. Everybody listened carefully. Joyce would smile after every two words, such a sweet woman. I bet she has honey instead of blood on those veins. A consumed lumber broke in half and almost set Kate’s dress on fire. The fire spikes were flying over us and I wondered if family hatred would ever end. Asking for a friend.

Aaron and Kate and Roy and Quel waited patiently. I was the second on line and showed everyone my thorned flower. Everybody had a glass of wine, but it was only me drinking it with despair. “I was walking in the woods and could not find anything to pick up when I saw, suddenly, those naked petals standing by sharp shells. It means a lot to me, representing the beauty and sweetness lying inside the danger and pain.” Those were my words and I made it simple and short to avoid my eyes from crying. Men should not cry. Elephants must not be heavy. 

It took me a lot of courage to say that. I bet it was easier for the others, as they were more used to Mama Bear’s dynamics. The talks went about being conscious of the planet, respecting each other and recognizing others’ flaws. It all embarrassed me inside like holding farts. You release your farts in that family. We stood admiring the fire and feeding it. There is something about fireplaces that works the same about feelings: you need to feed it.

The fire was on point and the funny thing was the fireplace itself, which was about to crash completely. The barbecue pit was in the backyard and it had a lot of leaves and branches on the ground to serve as a fire feeder. I told them that it was time to cook the best steaks of their lives. They went back to the dinner table and I placed the prime meat on the grill. Flames licking it from below and the clear dark sky witnessing it. I was alone with those bloody tender pieces and all the predators in the neighborhood could smell it, I am sure. Are there any? When it was all ready, I headed back to the house. Faces telling expectations. Mama Bear asked me to have her steak a little less rare so I went back outside. The flames made me feel good, burning not only the meat but also my pride. I wish I could be buried in Ohio so Mama Bear would bring me flowers every August the 5th. Brought her meat back and she was delighted. We cheered. The cats and the dog were around the table seeking for a drop of human kindness or human lapse so they could steal a bite. After the meal, everyone exchanged presents. I did not, because I was not aware of the tradition and may the spirits forgive me. Mama Bear gave me a beautiful bag with cattle painted on it. Inside, chocolate, caramels and wool socks. Perfect! I am going to Colorado and that place will be freezing. Is it a reality wool socks for the heart?

Woke up next morning to a text saying “I am with Peter having tea, come on!”. I stood up and looked through the window. Two barefoot guys were sitting in a lotus position over the sea of dried maple leaves. Got inside my jeans without taking my sweatpants off and went down there. Oh boy what a time to be alive. Peter, Roy’s cousin, is a wizard, a guide, a master, a kind of Gandalf of the lost lands. Something about him made me feel home. We started sharing thoughts and visions. He will soon go to China and learn how to zen himself in a Kung Fu temple. How beautiful life can be. We were drinking some kind of black tea and that scared the shit out of me because I thought it was mushrooms. It was not, actually. We were just warming ourselves up with hot beverages and proving fresh friendship at the source. To my surprise, Peter took out of his pocket a bag of mushroom infused chocolate. I was not expecting that but I was glad. Even though that fear was consuming myself, I could feel the medicine connecting to me. Roy and I swallowed it and Peter managed the words. The light stream between the trees felt like strings and the wind sounded like whispers of I am coming, I am coming. They could tell my inner desperation and the conversation went smoothly. I felt like a bug using the mushroom as a shelter. It could be my forever home.

“You smell like a brother” –  I said to Peter. Yes, brothers have a smell. That’s how wolves recognize each other and that is exactly like I found my tribe. We hugged each other and Peter jumped the fence leaving the premises. I got to my phone and called everyone I care for. I love you, forgive me, stay with me – words of inside. Mushrooms make me say things without filtering and I love it. I feel like the most honest man on earth.

On the next day we went to visit Roy’s grandpa, Mama Bear’s dad. A farm, full of cows and a beautiful family. Kind words exchanged, sincere smiles. Treating elders with love is a good way to feel love growing inside of yourself. I drank milk straight from the white and black moo-moos. More fresh, impossible. I love milk and I am not scared of being judged.

While I write these lines, Roy is in front of me. He just got news about his car. Insurance will not pay, there’s a fee for the towing company. Considerable fee. By day. Today is Friday and they return on Monday. Fucking fees and careless drivers. A vile feeling grows and the sky loses its virginity. Are the goddesses playing a dirty game? Nothing else matters more than bile and frustration. Despising an enemy can be a mistake and all I hear is a snore. Facing adversity, he made the best decision one can make. He took a nap. He farts loudly and I don’t know if he is awake. Can we be unworthy even subconsciously? He farts again. I bet the motherfucker can read my mind right now. Stillness, the room’s blacklight is the only thing speaking when it reflects on white surfaces. And it says “I AM PURPLE”.

Streets of Philly

It is late at night. Well, I am late. The night is the night. Inside my mind I feel Argentinian. The good old tango is playing and all I can think of is the bandoneon and violins. My state of mind says it all. I light a cigarette while waiting for the train that will take me to the old city. I light it with a match and after the flame is gone I press it against my forearm. I burnt myself today to see if I still feel. I profoundly dislike cigarettes, but every time I smoke there is a single joy – the one that its paper burns by itself. My friend asked me:

– I never thought you liked to smoke cigarettes.

– I don’t.

– So, how come are you smoking now?

– It is not fair to praise myself without something to despise myself.

Philly’s welcome is warm. 52ºF and the short illusion of not needing to protect my light skin from the cold. The train arrives and I smash what was left of tobacco. Riding through the railroads, looking at the city and analyzing the people surrounding my seat makes me feel home. I know who they are, I know what they do. They are myself as I am themselves. Workers, the hard ones, those who get home not in time to be greeted because everyone is asleep. That’s probably why god created dogs. Dogs are timeless, celebrating creatures. I am not sure if those tired souls have a four legged friend waiting for them. They are the ones at the base of the social pyramid working long shifts and trading their time for money. All they want is bed, all they need is beer and all they get is debt.

I have no one waiting for me but the receptionist of a hostel. You go to a hostel because there is always hope of meeting nice people there. Sometimes, just average people sucked into their own phone screens. I walk in narrow alleys searching for my baiting place. Steps hitting stones, sounds reflecting on walls and thoughts boiling in my head. Capitalism is all around when I see a homeless guy laying over a gutter grate with burger and fries on his hands. He is warming up a meal. Sewage smokey patty and moving lips that whisper haunted conformity. Is this it? Am I lost, am I losing control or loosening my conscience?

I left my backpack and got back on the streets. There are 9 bed bunks in the dorm where 18 people can sleep but only five do. I don’t use a lock and all of my valuables are vulnerable. Computer, camera, lens and books are subjects to be robbed, but I actually couldn’t care less. Except for the books, of course. It would be hard to replace them. But everybody in the room seems like normal people. What are normal people, other than just prejudice?

Everyone wants something on a Saturday night but all that I wanted was to suffer some sudden amnesia. To wake up in a hospital and see a young, caring nurse applying something into my vein without having any memory of the last four years. What a joy. I took oxycodone before getting on the airplane to Philly and I was still under the effects of it. Mellow mood seasoned with alcohol. If I only had another pill. If I only had an airplane for me. A mobile flying hospital with some gorgeous redhead nurse taking care of my amnesia with champagne and foie gras and oxycodone and some slaps on my face every now and then. Gotta be real.

The bars were full of sold off people and I was a gambler on fate issues. I asked for Guinness and a single neat Jameson. The whisky came first while the beer had to sit for a few moments while its foam was forming. Brown bubbles emerging from void, dark liquid thirst quencher matter. Gulp of beer, entire shot of liquor down my throat. Didn’t move my head but my ears were scanning the room. Shit conversations about stocks and sports. It is all the same, every time. The pretty babes were hanging on those average guys shoulders. I wonder if they fuck the same way they live life. Asked for another round and another. I had a lot of blood to heat up. Some curly haired girl got three drinks just by my side at the bar. I looked at her and at her hands too. There was a phone on her left hand. She tried to hold all of the three glasses plus the phone. I kept staring at her and her delicate, well cared hands. She smiled and used her big black eyes to communicate her needs. 

– You can do it – I said.

– You think so?

– Yeah, three glasses is easy. Four requires skills.

Phone in the pocket and free hands. She was not stupid, she was just flirting.

– Thank you – she said.

As she left, I admired her ass jiggling east to west to east. Thin waist, strong legs. I was alone but not looking for it. What a waste.

The bartender couldn’t hold himself:

– Are you ok, buddy?

– I am alright – I said.

I have been better, but nobody has anything to do with that. This is a moment in history when bartenders care about customers’ mental health. Paid the bill and got back on the sidewalks.

As the clock progressed, the temperature went down, but women seemed to be immune as they kept their legs free. Females don’t feel cold as males don’t feel ashamed to say the things they say. Another bar top and once again alone listening to other people’s conversations. They talked about super heroes, TV shows, about how each kind of liquor puts you in a different mood. Whisky makes you wanna fight, tequila relaxes you and gin they did not know because they never go heavy on it. They said all of that and the guy serving from behind the counter agreed. There are no real bartenders in town, I guess. I stood strong on whisky and beer and then I got the hell out of there.

At the dorm again. It smelled like men. Through the darkness all that you could hear was a snoring pattern like someone was about to die. It was not a starting and ending respiratory cycle, but chaotic, loud noise of collapsing lungs struggling to capture a glimpse of vicious air. What a nightmare for anyone without earplugs, which was not my case. Before inserting my plugs I farted loudly. Two thunderous sequences of blasting gasses. My filthy homage to the shy Korean sleeping next to me. Woke up next morning, had shower and headed to the lobby to get coffee.

She was working on something and all that I could see was her back, her mask straps and her strong calves inside black pants. Short, nice legs, I bet she is Asian. When she turned herself, the eyes told me the truth. As they say, eyes never lie. Her name was Liza and to pronounce such a name you need to caress the roof of the mouth with the tip of your tongue. Is not like Jane or Tricia, names that you just compress cheeks and lips to say it out loud. Liza requires a gentle licking test and that, if not poetic, is suggestive indeed. I drank my coffee while talking to her. Maybe lunch later, after she finished her shift? Should I be so forward? Fuck it. Left my phone number on a note. Every time she took the mask off to drink her milky tea I contemplated the spicy beauty in which she was molded. It smelled like Chai and I had my senses sharpened.

It was a freezing day and to walk around the city brought me to think why I was not living in Philly yet. Colonial style architecture, street markets, dried golden leaves in every corner created a very romantic scenario. I wish I had a partner, someone to love and share all of that. I wish my heart was not like the streets, an empty and quiet pavemented road to nowhere.

Museum of Art, Rodin museum, museum of American revolution, Christmas market, check. All of that walking made me exhausted. I realized that I was not dressed properly to the moment as the sun was going down pulling the temperature with it. Got back to the hostel to change clothes and it was on time to see Liza leaving. We got together for Indian food. I had lamb biryani and she had some kind of Indian burrito because she doesn’t eat meat. Social vegans avoid meet but I am not one of them. After lunch we went for a milkshake. Strawberry and salted caramel and whipped cream. Sweet, because no good impression was ever made without high sugar levels. She went to the train station right after it and said goodbye. She was kind and I appreciated her company. Wandering around I got mesmerized by Christmas lights and how well dressed the citizens of Pennsylvania were. From their noses, a dense white smoke of air would come out and disappear into the night.

Got my cigarettes and started the ritual of hating myself once again. I bought the American Spirit, organic tobacco with a native Indian printed in the pack. How audacious is the marketing science to make me see those cigarettes as pure, ancient, even healthy. What is the human mind other than a limitless mechanism of justifying itself? Close to Penn Center I found a saxophone player blowing notes into the air. Musicians bring to life emotions raised in the heart, mediated by the brain, lead by hands and he had no gloves on. It was raw feelings. There was a bookstore just in front of the square and I asked myself if I would ever have my books available in a shop like that. Maybe I don’t even finish what I am writing before dying, who knows? Found a pub and based my elbows on the bar top. The bartender this time was a girl, a beautiful one, like the type of woman that makes every guy hope that she would flirt with him. Her name was Rachel, with one round nose piercing and red lipstick on and black shirt and tight jeans making every walk away a precious moment to admire that bubble butt. I found out she was lesbian when she made some joke pointing the index and middle fingers up.

– This is how I have sex! – she said, revealing her tongue and another piercing.

Yeah, pretty Rachel, I got you, men stink. As she turned her curves back to me with my beer and whisky, I recognized the song playing in the jukebox.

– This is Easy to come home – I said.

– I am sorry?

– The song, by Dojo Cuts and Roxie Ray.

– Oh, you know this song for real?

– Yeah, baby. It even sounds like my own playlist – I said.

– Interesting. Where are you from? – she asked.

– Why don’t you guess?

– Mmm, Slovenia?

– No.

– Croatia?

– No.

– Ukraine?

– Nope. I wonder why people think I am from Eastern Europe – I said.

– Well, you actually don’t look like a guy named Boris or Ivan.

– Yeah, you’re right. My name is Achilles.

– GREECE! – she said with that sexual index finger pointing at me

– Nope.

– Geez, where the hell you come from, mister?

– I am probably going to hell, but I am from Brazil.

– How exotic! What brings you here?

– Research on humans and their interactions, their sorrows, their faults and intentions.

– Am I part of your analysis? – she asked.

– I am afraid not, ma’am.

On the other side of the bar there was a girl reacting to our conversation. Asian girl, drinking a bottle of Heineken and discreetly laughing. I heard her telling Rachel she was from Indonesia. Don’t remember what she was doing in Philly though, but I bet she misses that tropical paradise. Oh yes, she must miss it. She better not be a psycho. Rachel then told me that I had six minutes left to finish my drinks, even after my generous 10 dollars tip. Heartless white girls, they are everywhere. One single gulp and I was done. Had one more walk around the block to check things out. Nothing was going on and I headed back to the hostel. Maybe I should be a good boy and go to sleep. I could hear the melancholic sax music hitting my ears, I could hear Liza speaking her tongue-tied cute sentences, I could hear the last audio message telling me that I “was not ready yet” haunting me. I was drunk, freezing but I had no hat on, which was good to keep my ideas cooling down. As I opened the main door at the hostel, I saw the Indonesian girl at the end of the hall, heading to the female dorm.

– Hey! – I said.

– Oh, hi – she said.

– You were at the bar, right?

– Yes.

– I am hungry.

– I am not food –  she said.

– I mean, I want to go for food. Would you like to join me?

– Ok. Where are we going?

– Not to Indonesia, for sure – I said.

– Silly boy, you heard that, didn’t you?

– Philly is home to Steak and Cheese sandwiches. That’s the destination.

– Ok, you gonna order an Uber? – she asked.

– No way, I am walking there.

– How far?

– 39 minutes – I said.

– Oh!

– Are you coming?

– Yes.

So I hit the streets with an empty stomach, dizzy head and resilient legs. Yes, I could have ordered a cab, but what kind of urban exploration is that applied to comfort? One must endure tough conditions in order to reserve oneself to mix with the rabble. I don’t know how intoxicated she was, but I was inebriated enough to think that everything was perfect and there was no current affair in my life that could bring me down. So naive.

How empty, how dark, how cold were the streets. I felt like I was walking inside myself. Sally was telling me stories from Asia but I could not focus at all. Too many things going on at the same time. Suddenly, salvation. A dive bar was on the way. Got inside and the environment was just perfect in a tight, narrow bar with that specific smell of beer-soaked wood. If you get inside a place that doesn’t smell like that, the place is simply too fancy. All sorts of people were there and the bartender looked like a real one. Tattoos, chains around the neck and wrist, readiness to pour the beer in front of us. I could hear a bark and that got my attention.

– Is there a dog here, brother?

– Yeah, he is on the way, close to the bathroom. His name is Burger.

I instantly left my glass on the counter and went to find my friend. There he was, a brown and white short tailed boxer. Licks on my face and I felt loved again. Only a dog can make you feel that way. I realized that by rearranging the letters, dogs become gods. Oh, that could be really offensive to some people. Better not to tell anyone. Burger got obsessed with my gloves and he was about to destroy them. Took a leak and the urinol was from Germany. Berger, the big white porcelain bowl drinking my crystal clear piss. Got back to Sally and finished my beer at once. There was this guy telling us about how he used to work with marketing but now he was making cookies. At least you can eat the cookies, I thought. 

Nine more minutes of not-that-straight steps and I finally saw it, Pat’s King of Steaks. I am the king of mistakes.

The sandwich is ready in 10 seconds after you order it. It is just delicious, especially when you are drunk. And cold. Cold and drunk and hungry and hopeless. But with some dollars in my pocket. So, I got that goin for me. There were free jalapeños as a side. Oh boy, that made me really happy. Dr Pepper took care that all the disgusting matter went smoothly down straight to my belly. Also, it made me sober up a little, but not enough to hop on a car. Feet on the ground, thoughts in the sky, hands in the pockets, back to the hostel we headed. Once we got there, poor Sally made me feel how cold her skin was. Oh Lord, forgive me. She was close to hypothermia. I felt really bad, but fuck it, there was nothing else I could do. So, I went to sleep. Woke up to Liza messaging me that the Indonesian girl was looking for me. Haha, I thought. Literally, my thinking got stuck on laughing. While I was showering, the maintenance man got inside the bathroom and when he left the door was open. I waited. He didn’t close it and he was there. It felt that he just wanted to see my white ass or to make me feel cold. Sad news, he got neither of that.

I went to the Reading Market Terminal and got some cajun food. Gator sausage, beef, chicken, rice all together in a spicy jambalaya. The lady that served me was kind, so kind, that I didn’t even mind leaving 20 bucks there. Wait, that dish was only nine dollars. Well, that is what kindness can do. As I went for a coffee, Liza texted me saying that she was joining me for food. Chinatown was cool, but Liza was cooler. I went back to the market and decided to have more food with my friend. Her hair was beautiful and her forehead was not greasy. Her lips were dry but I resisted the will to offer my hemp lip balm. Not enough intimacy for that. She got some Honduran food and I got Chinese roasted duck. She opened her jacket and I could tell there was no bra hugging those special boobs. Green spaghetti straps revealing sublime nipples getting hard from time to time. Some lucky man must enjoy that abundance. She told me that a few men, actually, were having a good time with her. We started this tell-me-a-secret game and it was pretty neat to know that she has an erotic online account where she shows her body for money. Super exciting, let me be real. How curious is it that we can go deep in honest talks with a total stranger but not with someone that you know so well? Tell me anything – they say – and I will not judge you – they say. Yeah, right. Then, you say something and instantly become the antichrist. What a life. After the meal I got some middle eastern dessert for us called baklava. Liza lived in Idaho and recently my new favorite song says something about being hard to stand living in a cold state like that. What a nice coincidence. I showed her the song and she also shared her most played tune. We ended in a bar called Milk and I had two Negronis while she asked for Gin and Tonic. Classy. She tried my Negroni with such a shy sip that I had to stop and let her know that it was the wrong way of tasting an alcoholic beverage. I insist, please try it again. One gotta know how to use the tongue. She did it but still didn’t like it much. Ok, life goes on.

– You could spit in my drink and I would drink it happily – I said.

– What was that?

– You, your saliva, Liza. I don’t know but I feel like it would taste incredible.

– You’re crazy.

I know that, but I literally meant it. In my mind she would raise my glass close to her mouth and, with those pretty dark eyes fixed on me, spit a large amount of sweet Liza’s juice in it. I imagined all of that in a second and got a hardon. Well, another one. It’s been such a long time since I had sex that my pants had a tough time being punctured by my cock all day long. I walked her to the train station again. That was the final goodbye. Maybe we will meet in Reno, one day. Maybe we get married, I get American citizenship and she gets the Brazilian one. Would that mean a honeymoon? I need to calm down.

I found a place to sit where the Constitution of the United States was signed. My nostrils were numb and I recapped recent memories. Drinks, walks, talks, folks, dogs, no gods or locks. I could sleep for three hours before going to the airport and that’s what I did.

Dungeons and scissors are my best friends

Did Parks show up? I mean, for real, what the hell. Where am I? There is a ceiling over me and that ceiling looks like the one in my bedroom. There is a mirror by my bed and the body reflected looks like mine, there is an aura hovering that body and it smells like regret. I kinda remember him and his mullet. Parks, I don’t even know his first name. Yeah, sure. I can’t trust my mind right now, but who would forget some gorgeous mullets? One can love firm ass, thick thighs, delicate feet or robust chest, but one gotta admit that hair has some decisive influence on attraction. I have that sorrow, melancholic hungover feeling. The next day guilt tries to take my mind over.I feel like it is possible to assure that Parks was here, that he had shots with me and that we danced like there would be no tomorrow. And here I am, in that unexpected tomorrow. So, tomorrow is unreachable, it becomes today in a simple change of a second. Tomorrow is a horse that chases a carrot on a stick. I’m in bed wearing my Victorian vampire costume. Pleased to meet you, I’m Lestat. What a badass Halloween. I am a vampire, but I wish I was a devil. Or am I a devil wishing to be a vampire?

A lot of things seem weird right now, but I still got my morning wood. Oh, the good old feeling of having the Empire State Building between my legs. My girl sleeps like a dead body by my side and vampires are not attracted to the dead. I touch my skin to check if I hurt myself or something. No pain at all. Apparently it was only my brain that got some damage. I know that the party started with no destination and ended in total calmness, kind of the reverse of most parties. I know exactly how I got to bed, so this is not one of those blackout stories. What bothers me is that I can’t remember a single thing after… after… after what? Damn, that whisky shot with Jay! Tim, a true gentleman, offered us an incredible sip of a rare whisky. We drank it at the back of his Tesla. Cheers, to space and friendship and japanese malts and generosity and all of the crap of the universe! It was when the night changed its course. The shots with Jay and Marisa drove me to the idea of smoking. I rolled one and we burned it. Blowed into the air. Turned on hearts, accelerated heartbeats. Yes! Alive again. What a fucking cheesy statement. I can do better than that. It was the first time after four months. So, can you imagine how deep I got into the sea of highness? The whole world is high right now, while these lines are read by some. Inebriated in work, in substances, addicted to flesh or money or gods, everybody is attached to something that kidnaps one’s soul.

One needs a party, one needs celebration. The festive environment amplifies what lies upon human depths. In the beginning I was open, playing the host character. I grilled everyone’s food. The crowd was happy and I was a vampire preparing juicy bloody burgers. Dylan accepted my challenge for any kind of shot he could have. Jager Bomb, he said. He got it. We got it. From happiness I saw myself in a pure state of euphoria. My body was the forbidden fruit, key to all sin. So many different people at the house. Guests that I know, neighbors that I have never seen before. They were joking around. They were eating my girl with naughty eyes, those bastards. It was halloween, the whole place was dark and there were monsters, zombies and ghosts everywhere. But still, the most dangerous thing was men.  I wish all men to perish. I am a lesbian man.

My camera! I always take photos at events like that. Reached out and checked my files. Nothing at all, just one blurred, long exposed frame of some girl on the couch. Who in the hell was that? Blonde, curly haired with a kind of greek outfit. Was it Helen from Troy? Am I impersonating Achilles again? Oh, for god’s sake, it is Taylor! She was here. Or there. Where am I?

My brain, oh boy! My thoughts are now a blended smoothie and I can’t tell what is what. Everything’s mixed in a saturn returned kind of special delivery from space. Taylor could not be here alone and Megan and Cara and the holy spirit followed them. Yes, I remember now! After meeting them I wished I had something to give them as a symbol of friendship. So I ran into my bedroom and I got back with bullet shells. One each. Please keep it with care – I said. Attested hillbilly gift, check. Shots have been fired, I speak for myself in mysterious ways. Am I a god? Some people insist that I was named after one. Fools. Ill-fated beast I am.

The girls, their smell, their laughter. Oh, the photo session inside the bathroom, the bathtub clicks. What a circus. Men, women, goblins, we were all entities seeking for pleasure. Can I toss your salad? Do you wanna find out what dirty Sanchez means? Hey, baby, I can’t stop thinking about motorboating you. Sweetheart, would you like some special, creamy, fresh delivered teabag with me? My girl seems to have a special interest in kinky expressions. The way she learns the English language exceeds any standards. I am a trooper, I fight for justice. May all beings be happy and free. Does it feel like nonsense? Surprised? Get your shit together.

There is an intersection point where happiness meets utter sadness. Suddenly, I was in my closet, sitting on the carpet. I got there after I found out that I may have caused some trouble. Shit, I messed up again. The vent on the floor was blowing warm, dense, filthy air and I could smell remorse on it. My lungs felt heavy and someone would sarcastically say that it was impregnated with whore energy. Makes sense, huh? My mouth went dry and my eyes got wet. Sob of despair or tears of drunkenness, what defines a man the most? I went for a walk and by the witnesses’ testimonies I walked for some good 15 minutes around the neighborhood. I wish I could read the homeowner’s thoughts: there goes the Brazilian ant; what a piece of crap; isn’t he feeling cold?; this guy should walk other people’s dogs, that would be some good, worthy deed.

Sat at the back of my truck where nobody could see me. But I saw poetry in motion. Susan and Pete started walking away from the house and they were just a couple. Cute couple. Some pink halo was floating over them and I was the single observer. I have no clue what goes on between them two but the view was great. I think I could watch them making love. So I stood up and told them how great that sight was. You know, man, one gotta share positiveness and compliments, those things can bright the world up. I said that and told them that I had to go, my time was coming and eventually I would go for good. They got scared, but I insisted. I was a vampire, an impersonated citizen of the shadows and I had to act like one. Vampires go back to their coffins. They tried to hold me for a little bit more. It was in vain. My closet was waiting for me. A vampire must turn into a bat and fly away, stealth in the obscure unknown shadow. Walking back I took back that thought: I would definitely not watch anyone having sex. Haha.

Inside my head there was no party anymore. At that point I could not even explain, but it all felt like a funeral. Well, maybe it was just some vampire thoughts taking over. Back at the floor in my tiny hiding spot, I was spotted. Keith found me. Well, I had no clue it was him in that full body skeleton costume. Who the fuck are you in my closet? It’s me, bro – he said taking off his mask. Damn, I smiled. I love that guy. Yeah, I love him indeed. The day that son of a bitch has a heart attack will be the day when a piece of me will break and that will be unrepairable. He wanted to know things. Well, that is my house and I am the only one who gets the right to know things. Fuck that upset atmosphere. Tequila shots I say. And another joint. So I rolled and gave them away. I poured and served them little glasses to the guests. What a giver. There is way more joy in giving than in receiving. Well, unless it is a blowjob. After the handcrafted, small batched tequila was shared I saw the effusive gratitude on everyone’s faces. Smiles got larger and Keith’s limits got shorter. He made me take photos with the skeleton’s dick in my mouth. Disgusting. Just proved my point, there’s no grace in doing that. Ew. But the freaking costume was funny. It has some kind of pump and the hanging cock starts bouncing around. Those fuckers have that photo. I could be blackmailed. Better buy a gun. A machine gun, rocket launcher or something. This is America, I must blow things up. Just because.

All of the bosses were there. The new and the old ones. Bosses with abundant hair, bald, the bald-to-be ones too. All of them were happy, I guess. Food, music, drinks and this clown here. What could go wrong? Nothing, it was Sunday night and on monday all venues would be closed. Even the sober people knew that it could not get any better. Do I entertain my friends with my craziness? It seems like that. Comfort comes from the ones you surround yourself with, not from cozy furniture. One finds better shelter in someone’s barest arms than in an empty fortress.

My friend is called Dakota but I named her Cotton Candy Kota. Sadie became Sweet n’ Sour Sadie. I am Rick Jethro, I am the Ready Man. The other day I reached her to solve a question:

– Hey, Cotton Candy Kota, where would you go around here…

– For a blowjob? – she said.

– For coffee!

Here are your chug masters and the hanger man! The piano bar is where love morphs from an idea into a Thing. And one can not define a Thing. Reviser, please keep the capital T.

Tequila can raise you to another level and on that level you become oblivious of the passage of time. Two, three, five in the morning. Our bodies were expanding along all the black matter of the universe. I was a puppet of myself. So, I started telling people a defying story about socks and motorbikes. Dirty socks. Bikes and socks, dirty because, you know, nobody said a word about shoes. Just socks and wheels and the dusty road. The moment of such a masterpiece storytelling is called the edge. You cross it and you can face instant blackout or sky-high euphoria. Second option, I took it. What came next was repetitive accesses of laughter. I can remember at least three times I was on the floor, crawling, laughing until I got abdominal cramps. Oh yes, all of that washed my tears away from inside out.

People started telling me that they were about to leave. Fuck no, 15 bucks per hour for you to stay. C’mon! Cash, no taxes, just take it, bitch.

I put it down words but I can not reach it all. The totality of what it was, nobody knows. My providential amnesia gives me the gift of needing my beloved ones to fire up the blaze of memory using their inflammable hints. What a spectacle. This is the stage and we perform. We change clothes, we are many. Outfits, speeches, choreography, wigs! Fucking wigs! By the way, where is mine?


Masmorras e tesouras são minhas melhores amigas

Parks apareceu? Quer dizer, de verdade, que diabos. Onde estou? Há um teto sobre mim e esse teto se parece com o do meu quarto. Há um espelho ao lado da minha cama e o corpo refletido parece o meu, há uma aura pairando naquele corpo e cheira a remorso. Eu meio que me lembro dele e dos seus mullets. Parks, eu nem sei o primeiro nome dele. Sim, claro. Não posso confiar em minha mente agora, mas quem esqueceria alguns lindos mullets? Pode-se amar bunda firme, coxas grossas, pés delicados ou peito robusto, mas é preciso admitir que o cabelo tem influência decisiva na atração. Tenho aquela sensação de tristeza e ressaca melancólica. No dia seguinte, uma culpa tenta tomar conta da minha mente. Sinto que é possível garantir que Parks estava aqui, que ele tomou umas comigo e que dançamos como se não houvesse amanhã. E aqui estou eu, no bendito amanhã. Então, amanhã é inalcançável, torna-se hoje em uma simples mudança de segundo. Amanhã é um cavalo que persegue a cenoura presa à vara. Estou na cama usando minha fantasia de vampiro vitoriana. Prazer em conhecê-lo, sou Lestat. Que Halloween foda. Eu sou um vampiro, mas gostaria de ser um demônio. Ou sou um demônio desejando ser um vampiro?
Muitas coisas parecem estranhas agora, mas ainda tenho minha ereção matinal. Ah, uma boa e velha sensação de ter o Empire State Building entre minhas pernas. Minha garota dorme como um cadáver ao meu lado e os vampiros não são atraídos pelos mortos. Toco minha pele para verificar se me machuquei ou algo assim. Sem dor alguma. Aparentemente, foi apenas meu cérebro que sofreu algum dano. Sei que a festa começou sem destino e acabou com uma tranquilidade total, meio que ao contrário da maioria das festas. Eu sei exatamente como fui para a cama, então esta não é uma daquelas histórias de apagão. O que me incomoda é que não consigo lembrar de nada depois … depois … depois do quê? Droga, aquela dose de uísque com Jay! Tim, um verdadeiro cavalheiro, nos ofereceu um gole incrível de um uísque raro. Bebemos na parte de trás de seu Tesla. Saúde, ao espaço e amizade e maltes japoneses e generosidade e todas as porcarias do universo! Foi quando a noite mudou de curso. As doses com Jay e Marisa me levaram à ideia de fumar. Enrolei um e queimamos. Soprando no ar. Corações ligados, beats acelerados. Sim! Vivo de novo. Que declaração cafona de merda. Posso fazer melhor que isso. Foi a primeira vez depois de quatro meses. Então, você pode imaginar o quão fundo eu entrei no mar das alturas? O mundo inteiro está em alta agora, enquanto essas linhas são lidas por alguns. Inebriado de trabalho, de substâncias, viciado em carne ou dinheiro ou deuses, todos estão apegados a algo que sequestra a alma.
É preciso uma festa, é preciso comemorar. O ambiente festivo amplifica o que existe nas profundezas humanas. No começo eu estava aberto, interpretando o personagem anfitrião. Grelhei a comida de todos. A multidão estava feliz e eu era um vampiro preparando hambúrgueres sangrentos e suculentos. Dylan aceitou meu desafio para qualquer tipo de chance que ele pudesse ter. Bomba de Jager, disse ele. Ele reflete. Nós temos isso. De felicidade, me vi em puro estado de euforia. Meu corpo era o fruto proibido, chave para todos os pecados. Tantas pessoas diferentes na casa. Convidados que eu conheço, vizinhos que nunca vi antes. Eles estavam à vontade. Estavam comendo minha garota com olhos travessos, aqueles desgraçados. Era dia das bruxas, todo o lugar estava escuro e havia monstros, zumbis e fantasmas por toda parte. Mesmo assim, a coisa mais perigosa eram os homens. Eu desejo que todos os homens morram. Eu sou um homem lésbico.
Minha câmera! Sempre tiro fotos em eventos como esse. Alcancei-a e busquei meus arquivos. Absolutamente nada, apenas uma imagem borrada e exposta de alguma garota no sofá. Quem diabos era essa? Loira, cabelos cacheados com uma roupa meio grega. Helen de Tróia? Estou personificando Aquiles de novo? Ai, pelo amor de Deus, é Taylor! Ela estava aqui. Ou lá. Onde estou?
Meu cérebro, oh garoto! Meus pensamentos são agora um smoothie misturado e não posso dizer o que é o quê. Tudo está misturado em uma espécie de retorno de Saturno na entrega especial do espaço. Taylor não poderia estar aqui sozinha e Megan e Cara e o espírito santo as seguiram. Sim, eu me lembro agora! Depois de encontrá-las, desejei ter algo para lhes dar como símbolo de amizade. Corri para o meu quarto e voltei com cartuchos de bala. Um para cada. Por favor, guarde com cuidado – eu disse. Presente caipira atestado, confere. Tiros foram disparados, eu falo por mim e em maneiras misteriosas. Eu sou um deus? Algumas pessoas insistem que fui batizado com o nome de um. Tolos. Fera malfadada eu sou.
As meninas, seu cheiro, suas risadas. Ah, uma sessão de fotos dentro do banheiro, a banheira estalando. Que circo. Homens, mulheres, gnomos, todos éramos entidades em busca de prazer. Posso temperar sua salada? Você quer descobrir rir o que significa Sanchez sujo? Ei, baby, não consigo parar de pensar em andar de barco a motor em você. Querida, quer um saquinho de chá especial, cremoso e fresco entregue por mim? Minha garota parece ter um interesse especial em expressões pervertidas. A maneira como ela aprende a língua inglesa excede todos os padrões. Eu sou um soldado, luto por justiça. Que todos os seres sejam felizes e livres. Parece um absurdo? Surpreso? Junte suas merdas.

Existe um ponto de intersecção onde a felicidade encontra a tristeza absoluta. De repente, eu estava no meu closet, sentado no tapete. Cheguei lá depois de descobrir que posso ter causado alguns problemas. Merda, eu errei de novo. O respiradouro no chão soprava um ar quente, denso e sujo e eu podia sentir o cheiro de remorso nele. Meus pulmões estavam pesados ​​e alguém diria sarcasticamente que ele estava impregnado de energia de prostituta. Faz sentido, hein? Minha boca ficou seca e meus olhos molharam. Soluços de desespero ou lágrimas de embriaguez, o que mais define um homem? Fui dar um passeio e pelos depoimentos das testemunhas caminhei uns bons 15 minutos pela vizinhança. Gostaria de poder ler o pensamento dos vizinhos: lá vai a formiga brasileira; Que porcaria; ele não está com frio?; esse cara deveria passear com os cachorros de outras pessoas, isso seria uma ação boa e digna.
Sentei na parte de trás da minha caminhonete, onde ninguém poderia me ver. Daí eu vi poesia em movimento. Susan e Pete começaram a se afastar de casa e eram apenas um casal. Casal fofo. Algum halo rosa estava flutuando sobre eles e eu era o único observador. Eu não tenho ideia do que se passa entre os dois, mas a vista era ótima. Acho que poderia vê-los fazendo amor. Então eu me levantei e disse a eles o quão grande era aquela visão. Sabe, cara, é preciso compartilhar positividade e elogios, essas coisas podem iluminar o mundo. Eu disse isso e disse a eles que tinha que ir, minha hora estava chegando e eventualmente eu iria para sempre. Eles ficaram com medo, mas eu insisti. Eu era um vampiro, um cidadão personificado das sombras e tinha que agir como tal. Os vampiros voltam para seus caixões. Eles tentaram me segurar um pouco mais. Foi em vão. Meu armário estava esperando por mim. Um vampiro deve se transformar em um morcego e voar para longe, furtivamente na obscura sombra desconhecida. Caminhando de volta, retirei aquele pensamento: eu definitivamente não assistiria ninguém fazendo sexo. Haha.
Dentro da minha cabeça não havia mais festa. Naquele ponto eu não conseguia nem explicar, mas tudo parecia um funeral. Bem, talvez fossem apenas alguns pensamentos de vampiros assumindo o controle. De volta ao chão, em meu minúsculo esconderijo, fui localizado. Keith me encontrou. Bem, eu não tinha ideia de que era ele naquela fantasia de esqueleto de corpo inteiro. Quem diabos é você no meu closet? Sou eu, mano – disse ele tirando a máscara. Droga, sorri. Eu amo aquele cara. Sim, eu o amo de verdade. O dia em que aquele filho da puta tiver um ataque cardíaco será o dia em que um pedaço de mim se quebrará e não poderá ser reparado. Ele queria saber coisas. Bem, essa é a minha casa e eu sou o único que tem o direito de saber das coisas. Foda-se essa atmosfera perturbada. Eu digo doses de tequila. E outro baseado. Então eu enrolei e os distribuí. Eu derramei e servi os copinhos aos convidados. Que doador. Há muito mais alegria em dar do que em receber. Bem, a menos que seja um boquete. Depois que a tequila artesanal feita em pequenos lotes foi compartilhada, vi a gratidão efusiva no rosto de todos. Os sorrisos aumentaram e os limites de Keith diminuíram. Ele me fez tirar fotos com o pau do esqueleto na boca. Repugnante. Acabei de provar meu ponto, não há graça em fazer isso. Ai credo. Mas a maldita fantasia era engraçada. Tem algum tipo de bomba e a torneira pendurada começa a pular. Esses filhos da puta têm essa foto. Eu poderia ser chantageado. Melhor comprar uma arma. Uma metralhadora, um lançador de foguetes ou algo assim. Esta é a América, devo explodir coisas. Só porque.
Todos os chefes estavam lá. Os novos e os antigos. Chefes de cabelos abundantes, calvos, os carecas também. Todos eles estavam felizes, eu acho. Comida, música, bebidas e esse palhaço aqui. O que poderia dar errado? Nada, era domingo à noite e na segunda todos os locais estariam fechados. Mesmo as pessoas sóbrias sabiam que não poderia ficar melhor. Eu entretenho meus amigos com minha loucura? Parece que sim. O conforto vem daqueles com quem você se cerca, não de móveis aconchegantes. Encontra-se melhor abrigo nos braços mais nus de alguém do que em uma fortaleza vazia.
Minha amiga se chama Dakota, mas eu a chamei de Cotton Candy Kota. Sadie se tornou Sweet n ‘Sour Sadie. Eu sou Rick Jethro, sou o Homem Pronto. Outro dia eu falei com ela para resolver uma questão:

– Ei, Cotton Candy Kota, aonde você iria por aqui …

– Para uma chupada? – ela disse.

– Para um café!

Aqui estão os mestres do vira-vira e o cabideiro! O piano bar é onde o amor se transforma de uma ideia em uma Coisa. E não se pode definir uma Coisa. Revisor, por favor, mantenha o C maiúsculo.
A tequila pode elevá-lo a outro nível e, nesse nível, você se torna alheio à passagem do tempo. Duas, três, cinco da manhã. Nossos corpos estavam se expandindo ao longo de toda a matéria negra do universo. Eu era uma marionete de mim mesmo. Então, comecei a contar às pessoas uma história desafiadora sobre meias e motocicletas. Meias sujas. Bicicletas e meias sujas porque, sabe, ninguém falou nada sobre sapatos. Apenas meias e rodas e a estrada empoeirada. O momento dessa narrativa é chamado de limite. Você o atravessa e pode enfrentar um blecaute instantâneo ou uma euforia às alturas. Segunda opção, eu escolhi. O que veio a seguir foram acessos repetitivos de risos. Lembro-me de pelo menos três vezes que fiquei no chão, rastejando, rindo até ter cólicas abdominais. Oh sim, tudo isso lavou minhas lágrimas de dentro para fora.
As pessoas começaram a me dizer que estavam prestes a ir embora. Porra, não, 15 dólares por hora para você ficar. Vamos lá! Dinheiro, sem impostos, apenas peguem, vadios!
Eu coloco palavras, mas não consigo alcançar tudo. A totalidade do que foi, ninguém sabe. Minha providencial amnésia me dá o presente de precisar que meus entes queridos acendam a chama da memória usando suas dicas inflamáveis. Que espetáculo. Este é o palco e nós atuamos. Mudamos de roupa, somos muitos. Trajes, discursos, coreografias, perucas! Porra de perucas! A propósito, onde está a minha?